👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨 DATING - Brampton man serves girlfriend double-double laced with fentanyl

🎥 WATCH - Elderly man socks kid who threw makeup ball at his wife in Tim Hortons

🥃 BOOZE - Suspects arrested in $500k Crown Royal heist

Good morning.

By now, you’ve probably noticed that fentanyl comes up a lot in this newsletter. 

And assault. And grand larceny. But mostly fentanyl.

For the record, I didn’t plan that. It just keeps happening.

Maybe it’s the shock value that the word “fentanyl” adds to a headline. It makes it POP.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy our unofficial Tim Hortons Edition.

-Peter

Today’s read is 2 ½ minutes long. ⏰ 

DATING

DOUBLE-DOUBLE WITH A PINCH OF FENTANYL

A Brampton man has been sentenced to 16 years in prison for trying (and failing) to ~unalive~ his girlfriend. Twice.

K.P. and T.C., whose names are protected by a court-order publication ban, broke up in 2022 after dating for 3 years.

… well, she broke up with him, but the 33-year-old man wasn’t quite ready to let her go.

K.P. threatened to kill himself if she didn’t take him back, but T.C. called his bluff.

So he started researching ~subtle~ ways to kill her.

In October 2022, he Googled, “Can fentanyl kill you?” and found two sources that confirmed it can indeed kill you.

A few days later, T.C. noticed her food had a strange chemical taste.

Then, in mid-November, K.P. put a deadly dose of fentanyl in T.C.’s coffee from Tim Hortons. She felt sick and rushed to the hospital, where doctors managed to flush the drugs from her system.

While she lay in her hospital bed, she received a text from K.P., saying, “Till death do us part.”

Not thinking anything of it, she continued to date him.

One night, after an evening of drinking booze, railing cocaine, and smoking weed together, T.C. went back to her family’s house and fell asleep.

Little did she know K.P. had hired a hitman to ~unalive~ her that very night.

K.P. gave the hitman a key and dropped him off at T.C.’s house. The hitman broke into T.C.’s bedroom and tried to suffocate her, but the family dog caught the man’s scent and barked.

T.C.’s sister entered the bedroom to see what was going on, and the hitman fled.

That was the last straw for T.C. 

She pressed charges and and K.P. was arrested. A jury convicted him two years later, in December 2024.

In court, K.P. said he only hired the hitman to “scare” T.C. He also called the fentanyl poisoning an “accident.”

The jury didn’t believe him, but that seems plausible enough to me.

Who doesn’t like their coffee with a pinch of the good stuff, especially when it’s from Tim’s?

_{(Source: Toronto Sun)}

WATCH

TIM HORTONS BEATDOWN

It’s another lovely day at Tim Hortons.

They’re out of Boston Cream donuts, you asked for a dark-roast coffee but received earl-grey tea, and an old man is beating the living daylights out of some teenage twerp who threw a makeup ball at his wife.

That actually happened recently at a Tim Hortons in Saanich, B.C.

According to an eyewitness, the teen was “throwing food everywhere.”

He was also whipping around cosmetic products that belonged to his girlfriends (yes, plural). 💅 

When a BeautyBlender sponge hit an elderly woman, her husband snapped.

“I heard an old man start yelling,” Isaac Campbell told Global News. “So I just whipped the phone out, I knew something was going to go down.”

THIS is what went down. 👇️ 

The old man escorted his wife out of the restaurant after he finished force-feeding the kid knuckle sandwiches. 👊 🥪 

“I saw, after the old man was walking out, (he) linked arms with his wife, and it was a pretty sick moment for the two of them, I would have to say,” Campell said.

“He pretty much just stuck up for his wife and walked out of there. She was probably pretty happy that night.”

Campbell believes the video above is exactly the type of content folks are hoping to see when they open Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook.

“I feel like it has all the attributes for a viral video,” he said. “Pretty much like a … ‘talk crap, get slapped’ moment.”

Police are investigating the altercation. Let’s not forget that slapping 14-year-olds—even when they annoy you—is technically still illegal.

BOOZE

DID THEY STEAL THE CROWN?

Last week, I told you that a group of thieves stole half a million dollars’ worth of Crown Royal whisky.

This week, I am pleased to inform you that the law has caught up with them. Allegedly.

To date, Windsor Police have arrested 6 people in connection with the heist.

46-year-old Jason Greenwood allegedly stole the truck, while four other men and a woman are accused of helping him steal the booze.

Turns out, they also stole the U-Haul truck that they used as a getaway car.

The cops say they’re probably going to arrest even more people in connection with this case.

In other words, this was a grand conspiracy. Expect Prime Video to release an AI-generated mini-series about it within the next 5 years.

I can see it already: The Great Canadian Whisky Heist, starring the paid likenesses of Will Arnett and Rachel McAdams.

Elbows up. 💪 

Enjoy your weekend.

-Peter