CULTURE - Man crushes 17 beers in 4 hours, then dies

CRIME - All-female gang ravages Scarborough convenience stores

TECH - Toronto mom panics as Uber steals her 5-year-old

Good morning. Welcome to Edition #2 of Smalltown Graffiti.

We’ve got some big stories this week. In Southwestern Ontario, one man proved that some bartenders will never cut you off if you just tell them you’re buying drinks for your friends.

In other news, Toronto police are searching high and low for an all-female gang on a spree of “distraction thefts.” And an Uber driver inadvertently stole a kid—again.

Enjoy.

-Peter

Today’s read is 6 ½ minutes long.

CULTURE

17 BEERS. 4 HOURS. 1 MAN.

A Woodstock man sweet-talked a bartender into serving him 17 beers in just four hours. It was the last thing he ever did.

He was stumbling out of My Friends Place—a watering hole in downtown Woodstock—when he slipped and fell backwards, then struck his head on the pavement. He blacked out and never woke up.

That was last October. Ever since then, Ontario’s alcohol regulator (AGCO) has been keeping an eye on My Friends Place. The AGCO alleged that the bar continued to serve the man drinks after he was “visibly intoxicated” and suspended its liquor license for 60 days.

But Mary Beattie, the 80-year-old owner of My Friends Place, claims she cut the guy off and called a cab for him before 10:30 PM.

“He was in (the bathroom) quite a while, which we kind of keep an eye on,” Beattie said. “When he came out, he was completely disoriented, like he didn’t know where he was, and I said to him, ‘You can’t drink anymore.’ ”

Beattie also questions whether the man actually drank 17 beers in four hours, as the AGCO alleges. She claims he bought at least some of the drinks for his friends and that he was at the bar for at least five hours.

Regardless, she isn’t contesting the AGCO’s suspension of her liquor license. She can’t because she doesn’t have the money.

“I can’t fight that,” she said. “The legal expenses would be more than what I make in the bar in two months.”

Poor old gal. All she wanted was a nice little hole in the wall where local sots could wet their beaks. Was that so much to ask for?

“I always wanted to own a bar,” she said. “I wanted a nice, safe, quiet corner bar where people could come in and talk, and that’s exactly what I have.”

“This is all unfortunate.”

CRIME

THE SCOURGE OF SCARBOROUGH

Toronto’s descent into chaos continued last week when police warned the public of an all-female gang roaming the streets Attilla-the-Hun style—ravaging every convenience store in their path.

The gang is notorious for its “distraction thefts”: robberies where one member of the gang sexually assaults the cashier while the others steal his wallet or clean out the cash register.

They’ve been at it for almost a year now, and every store they’ve hit has been in Scarborough. The cops have multiple photos of their vehicles and license plates, but still can’t catch them.

They’re getting desperate. Last week, they issued a Public Safety Alert warning Scarborough business owners to stay on their toes. Each gang member is described as a woman with olive skin, a medium (or thin) build, and long black hair.

Anyone with information is asked to PLEASE COME FORWARD. You can contact the police at 416-808-4100. You will not be prosecuted. Probably.

TECH

UBER STOLE MY KID

Don’t look now, but Uber just stole another lady’s kid.

Julia, a Toronto woman who’s keeping her last name a secret, was Ubering home from a Raptors game in March with her boyfriend and their four shared kids.

During the ride, Julia’s five-year-old daughter fell asleep in the back seat. When they arrived home, Julia and her BF discussed in loud voices—so loud the driver could hear, apparently—that they would first unload the three kids in the middle seats before returning for the sleeper in the back.

That’s what they did… only the sleeper wasn’t there when Julia returned, nor the driver, nor the car.

“I remember looking up and down the street,” she said. “I don't see a moving vehicle at all. The three kids are already in hysterics. 'Why did he leave with her? Where did he go?' I'm trying to keep it together for my son."

She tried calling the driver through the Uber app, but it wouldn’t go through. Her BF called Uber’s support line, but a rep told him it was outside of company policy for them to contact a driver.

So they called the cops. One officer called Uber to get the driver’s phone number, but the company refused and told him to fill out a form first.

The cops took matters into their own hands and located the vehicle within 90 minutes. It was over 20 kilometres away. The driver was shocked when police pulled him over. He claimed he had no idea there was a child in the back seat.

The child was safely returned to her parent(s), and Uber gave Julia a $10 credit. Little did they know she was litigious. She plans on seeking compensation for “emotional stress.”

Lawyer up, Uber. If you were smart, you would’ve gotten out ahead of this and offered her $100,000 or some other number that’s too big for her to refuse.

Now she’s gonna bleed you dry for at least a mil. Good luck.

Have a great weekend. 🍻 

-Peter