FOOD - Cops find rotisserie chicken stuffed with fentanyl

CULTURE - Sudbury man wipes feces on Value Village worker

SPORTS - Junior hockey team terrorizes moviegoers

Happy Friday. Welcome to the first-ever issue of the NEW Smalltown Graffiti.

Before we get started, add this newsletter to your contacts to keep it out of your spam folder. Better yet, send a reply if you want it to land in your main inbox.

As you can see, I changed the platform from Substack to Beehiiv to give myself more design freedom. It paid off.

Enjoy this week’s stories. Tell me which one is your favourite.

-Peter

FOOD

STUFFED CHICKEN À LA MODE

If you’ve ever wondered why grocery-store rotisserie chicken tastes like crack, now you know.

Last Tuesday night, a few cops in the lovely city of Kingston, Ontario, stormed a man’s hotel room and discovered… nothing unusual: just two pellet guns and a rotisserie chicken, a combo commonly found in the posession of Kingston men—young and old—who are preparing to embark on a spree, or as the locals call it, a “Mental-Health Night.”

But when the cops ripped open this seemingly innocent and—dare I say it—rather tasty-looking chicken, they found one hell of a stash: 11 grams of cocaine, 25 grams of crystal meth, and 46 grams of fentanyl.

For context, just 0.2 grams of fentanyl is enough to make you shamelessly wander downtown and fold yourself in half on the sidewalk.

Our suspect—a 44-year-old Toronto man—blew his cover after allegedly uttering threats when hotel staff asked him to leave. He retreated to his room and waited for the cops to break down the door.

Some reports say the man is pleading “not guilty” in court. Apparently, he is contending the drugs were inside the chicken when he bought it from the grocery store (which shall remain unnamed), and that he is taking legal action against said grocery store on grounds that they used “questionable methods” to get shoppers “hooked” on their rotisserie chickens.

CULTURE

POOP ATTACK IN SUDBURY

A Sudbury man is serving some jail time after wiping his feces on a Value Village employee.

Pierre Gauthier, 50, pleaded guilty earlier this month to assault with a weapon for the incident that occurred last September, according to the Sudbury Star.

Gauthier contended that he was being “followed around” by store employees and “felt he was being made fun of or mocked.”

So he did what any other self-respecting Sudburian would do: he popped a squat in the middle of the aisle, defecated on the floor, and wiped it on an employee’s arm.

The employee would later say that Gauthier threw his feces at her and that she was forced to close the entire store to clean it up, but Gauthier’s lawyer contested these claims in court.

As it turns out, Gauthier did not throw his poop at her—he wiped it like a gentleman. Furthermore, the store remained open for business while the poop-contaminated area was cordoned off for cleaning.

Gauthier, who is originally from Timmins, has lived in tents for several years. Just three days before his Value-Village poop assault, Gauthier had received a six-month conditional sentence for unlawfully being in a dwelling house.

Gauthier, who has been in prison since December, is now completing the rest of his conditional sentence.

SPORTS

JUNIOR HOCKEY TEAM TERRORIZES MOVIEGOERS

Lock your doors, Ontario: another junior hockey team is running amok.

Earlier this month, players on the Niagara Ice Dogs served short suspensions after the Ontario Hockey League learned that they had allegedly terrorized senior citizens and uttered racial slurs during a showing of Black Bag at a St. Catharines movie theatre.

The squad hit up the Pen Centre Landmark Cinemas on an off-night in March to take advantage of “Reel Deel Tuesday,” during which the players enjoyed BIG MOVIE SAVINGS of up to 40% off movie tickets. This is not a paid advertisement.

The boys got a little rowdy when they realized the movie was rated R for violence, not nudity. Local resident Mike Gerow, who also made the mistake of going to watch Black Bag on a Tuesday night in St. Catherines, said the players “displayed absolutely egregious behaviour, including technically assaulting an elderly woman.”

Gerow told the St. Catharine’s Standard that the hockey players were “yelling and throwing food across the room until they hit me in the back with some sort of candy while attempting to throw it at the team member in front of me.”

The food fights continued until one player “nailed an elderly woman in her 70s on the side of her face with food.” That’s when things got serious.

The old woman’s husband jumped up and confronted the players. They responded by “mouthing off to him and mocking his Asian accent.”

That did it. The rest of the audience joined forces against the teenage terrorists and demanded that they be removed from the theatre. They were successful. A manager asked the players to leave.

But after the players were gone, nobody felt like watching the movie. It just seemed so boring. 

“At that point, we left, as the movie was completely ruined,” Gerow said. “No one in the theatre could focus on the film due to the chaos and intentional disruption.”

Before you turn this into more evidence for your “the-kids-aren’t-alright” narrative, consider that Canadian junior hockey players have been known to commit far worse atrocities.

High-level junior hockey players need to blow off steam—especially during the playoffs. Let’s just be thankful they’re not doing it this time at the Delta Armouries Hotel in London.

See you next week. ✌️ 

Written by Peter Wilson.

*DISCLAIMER WRITTEN BY MY AI ATTORNEY (he’s so annoying): This newsletter is a barrel of laughs, not a newsroom. We’re slinging satire, hyperbole, and the occasional dad joke, not sworn testimony. Nothing here is meant to be taken as cold, hard fact, and any resemblance to real people or events is either coincidental or jazzed up for giggles. We’re not out to trash anyone’s rep, so if you’re thinking libel lawsuit, maybe just have a coffee and laugh it off. Libel laws are real (yawn), but we’re just here to roast, not roast reputations. Read with a grin, and if you’re still mad, call a lawyer, not us.