🤡 HUMOUR/TERRORISM - Toronto police on high alert for terrorists pranksters this weekend

🛒 SHOPPING - Gypsies snatch $4,500 gold chain off old man’s neck in Costco parking lot

💰️ CRIME - Guelph couple loots LCBO for $450 worth of booze

Oh, Canada! I stand on guard for me. 🇨🇦

Welcome to Smalltown Graffiti’s first-ever Canada Day Edition.

This week, we’re taking a panoramic view of this country’s three main age groups: the youth, the middle-aged, and the elderly.

As you can see, they’re all doing swell.

Enjoy.

-Peter

Today’s read is 3 minutes long. ⏰ 

HUMOUR/TERRORISM

GENERATIONAL HUMOUR GAP

Toronto Police are gearing up for a busy weekend as roving gangs of unemployed teens look to commit acts of domestic terrorism for TikTok fame. 

Over the past two years, police have observed a spike in lethal mischief during holiday long weekends.

Just before Victoria Day last month, a group of teenage boys shrouded in black hoodies and masks set off fireworks aboard a TTC bus in Scarborough. 

It was 3 PM and the bus was packed with sweaty commuters, two of whom sustained minor injuries. 

The boys jumped off the bus and fled the scene before the rest of the enraged passengers could beat them to death.

The boys learned the “prank” from another gaggle of Toronto teens who went viral two years ago for pulling off the same stunt. 👇

The 14-year-old girl holding the firework in the above video was arrested.

At the time, the TTC said the incident was “one of seven in nine days involving people being reckless with fireworks on its vehicles.” 

While the stunts may look like domestic terrorism, experts say the negative press surrounding them is simply due to a generational humour gap. 

“Kids these days—they’ve seen it all,” says self-proclaimed Gen-Z expert Melissa Rantsman. 

“They watch war footage all day on TikTok. They need lots of stimulation. They find pranks like this funny.” 

So if you’re riding the TTC this weekend, bring a flak jacket and your sense of humour. You’ll need both.

SHOPPING

COSTCO GYPSIES

As if Costco parking lots weren’t already terrifying, you now have to dodge gypsies while pushing a 900-pound cart full of raw meat and diapers back to your car. 

An elderly man was bamboozled last week after a strange woman in the Barrie Costco parking lot adorned him in fake golden jewelry while using sleight of hand to snatch a real golden chain off his neck worth $4,500. 

The man, who had travelled to Barrie from Wasaga Beach, was loading groceries into his trunk when he noticed a man and a woman staring at him as they slowly circled the parking lot in a car. 

The man returned his shopping cart to a coral and was walking back to his vehicle when the woman hopped out of her car and ran toward him. 

According to police, she “very quickly placed a gold chain around his neck and pushed two gold rings onto his fingers.” 

The old man protested and told the woman to remove the jewelry. 

She complied, but instead of removing the fake golden chain, she took a 24-karat golden chain bearing a dolphin pendant that the man was wearing around his neck. 

The woman left the fool’s gold behind and drove off with her boyfriend. 

The old man didn’t notice he’d been gypped until later that day. He contacted the cops and filed a report. 

“The theft of the gold chain is estimated at $4500,” said Barrie Police. “But more disturbing than the theft is the sentimental value that the chain and the dolphin pendant represented to the victim.”

The cops are still searching for suspects. In the meantime, they’re warning Costco shoppers to watch their backs. 

“Parking lots are busy places,” they said. “Be aware of strangers who quickly approach you.” 

“These people are up to no good and will act very quickly to steal what is yours by catching you off guard.”

CRIME

WHITE-TRASH BONNIE & CLYDE

A middle-aged couple is gearing up for a long weekend to remember after lifting $450 worth of fancy booze from a Guelph LCBO. 

The Bonnie and Clyde duo pulled up to the store during Happy Hour on Monday and shoved seven bottles into their backpacks, up their shirts, and down their pants. 

They left the store without incident and haven’t been seen since. 

Police say Bonnie is a white woman in her 50s with a small build. She has blonde hair, blue eyes, and was wearing a blue Bench hoodie with black pants and a Tampa Bay Lightning cap when she robbed the store. 

Clyde is a white man, also in his 50s. He’s about 5’9” with a medium build and brown hair that’s starting to go grey. 

He was last seen wearing a blue and black spring jacket over a grey t-shirt with black pants and a Colorado Avalanche cap. 

The couple is still on the loose, and LCBO workers are starting to get nervous. 

They are threatening strike action if police can’t apprehend White-Trash Bonnie and Clyde within 14 business days. 

Enjoy your weekend. 🍻 

-Peter