👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨 DATING - Kitchener man looking for ‘romantic partner’ after killing wife, exploding house

🎥 WATCH - Justin Bieber insists he’s a ‘real man’ in viral confrontation with paparazzi

🚓 CRIME - 4 'thugs’ arrested after attempting to steal Doug Ford’s car

Happy Friday, my friends.

You may have seen it in the news already, but Canada’s Competition Bureau is suing DoorDash.

At last.

The federal antitrust watchdog is accusing the food delivery app of hiding fees that are not revealed to customers until they reach the checkout.

I feel vindicated. You have no idea how many times I’ve added a Papa John’s pizza to my cart only to see its price DOUBLE at checkout.

Also, did you know DoorDash tells its drivers how much you’re tipping them before they complete your order?

I’m telling you: there’s no depth to their depravity.

On that note, enjoy today’s issue, which is not about DoorDash at all.

-Peter

Today’s read is 3.5 minutes long. ⏰ 

DATING

ONTARIO’S MOST ELIGIBLE BACHELOR

To all my single readers: a daring, dashing, and dangerous golden bachelor is looking for love.

Udo Haan, a 65-year-old Kitchener man who strangled his wife with a rope and blew up their house seven years ago, is searching for “a romantic partner,” says the Ontario Review Board.

Haan is “seeking a long-term companionship” and has “engaged in activities such as speed dating, social events and holiday-themed meetups,” says forensic psychiatrist Dr. Ajay Prakash.

Haan was recently discharged from a mental hospital where he had been staying after a judge found him not criminally responsible for killing his wife and blowing up their house in 2018.

At the time, Haan and his 58-year-old wife, Edra, were in the process of separating. The judge said Haan wasn’t himself because he was suffering from paranoid delusions and bipolar disorder.

Haan strangled his wife in her bedroom, then went down to the basement and “opened a drip line on the natural gas line leading to the furnace.”

“This action allowed the home to begin filling with natural gas,” said the judge. “Some time later, Mr. Haan returned to her bedroom where he poured some gasoline over the bed and used a lighter to ignite the gasoline.”

The house blew sky high. Edra was found dead in the backyard, and neighbours pulled Udo from the wreckage. He was airlifted to a hospital where doctors saved his life.

Haan is now living in an apartment near the mental hospital in St. Thomas. He remains under close supervision.

The Ontario Review Board ordered him to abstain from drugs and alcohol and to report any romantic relationships.

In April, police rushed to Haan’s apartment after a woman alleged he had assaulted her.

When the cops arrived, they found Haan drinking beer and smoking weed all by himself. They asked about the woman he had allegedly assaulted.

Haan told them he’d hired a private investigator to follow her around and discredit her story.

So they took him back to the loony bin, where he’s staying now.

If you’re interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with Udo, simply visit the Southwest Centre for Forensic Mental Health Care and ask for “Mr. Haan.”

_{(Source: The Hamilton Spectator)}

WATCH

JUSTIN BIEBER CRASHES OUT

Justin Bieber wants you to know that he’s real.

The Canadian popstar also hopes you understand that he’s merely “standing on business” in his ongoing war with the Los Angeles paparazzi.

_{(”Standing on business” is a phrase the youth use to indicate someone is “taking responsibility, fulfilling commitments, and acting with purpose and integrity.”)}

Last Saturday night, Bieber confronted a man who was filming him outside of a club in Malibu.

The singer of “Baby” and “Yummy” insisted upon his humanity and accused the man of pushing an “alternate agenda.”

“I’m a real dad, a real husband, a real man,” Bieber said.

The full video is over 10 minutes long, but this one-minute clip went viral:

Bieber has been swarmed by journalists and photographers over the last few months who are seeking to document his apparent descent into madness.

The 31-year-old from London, Ont., recently began displaying erratic behaviour on social media.

In March, he posted a series of 13 videos in which he monologued about God, Gucci, and rats stealing cheese.

“You’ve been hurt. You’ve been afraid. You have been shut down,” he said. “But let me tell you a little something: G-o-d. Our boy Jesus, he’s got a plan, and he works all things together for Gucci. Gucci is what we mean when we mean good.”

He continued, “They want to be like a rat, stealing your cheese. Running the little wheel, going crazy, trying to take away every last bit of your sanity.”

Bieber later deleted the videos.

CRIME

HANDS OFF DOUG’S CAR

Doug Ford is mad. Really mad. 

Around midnight on Tuesday, four masked thieves aged 16, 17, and 23 attempted to steal a pickup truck parked outside his home in Etibicoke.

They were promptly intercepted by two Toronto Police cruisers patrolling the area.

“Four thugs come racing down my street, masks on, ready to take the car out of the driveway,” Ford said. “Surprise, surprise… the two police cars are there, the chase is on.”

The premier noted that he would’ve chased the thieves down himself had he not been in a deep slumber.

“I’ll take care of you better than the police,” he said. “Thank God the police got you, and I never did.”

Ford then went on a long rant about how Canadians should be legally permitted to shoot criminals who break into their homes.

His rant was promptly reposted by Canada’s top gun lobby group. 👇️ 

In other news, Ford is very upset that Netflix released a documentary this week about his crackhead brother, Rob, the former mayor of Toronto.

The film is titled Trainwreck: Mayor of Mayhem.

“It just absolutely infuriates me,” he said. “They are disgusting people.”

“Leave the guy alone. Let him rest in peace. They want the truth, talk to the real people that absolutely loved him.”

I, for one, couldn’t agree more.

RIP Rob.

Have a great weekend.

-Peter